Which is just grand.

Honestly. I needed a day where I wouldn’t shutter at the thought of stepping outside.

It was sunny and warm and everyone was in a good mood.

I tilted my head up and closed my eyes and quite literally basked in the sun with a smile on my face.

But then I noticed that my friend was looking sad. 

I asked her, “Whats wrong?”

And she said, “Well, this time last year, things were so different.”

I really wish she didn’t say that. Now I won’t be able to fully enjoy the sun without thinking of everything that has changed between today and the last time I really felt the sunshine on my skin.

And that, that my friend is enough to make me wish it was pouring with rain, just so I don’t have to think about sunshine and changes and friends and parents and boys. 

Ugh. Why did it have to be such a beautiful day?

getting my hopes up.

I just set myself up for disappointment.

And I do it every single time!

Why would I do this to myself?

Why do I build up some illusion that I actually mean something to you?!

I just let my hopes soar higher and higher each time.

And each time they fall harder and harder.

Ughhhhh.

All I know is, I’m tired of this ending in one big ‘ouch’

So maybe if I anticipate all the pain rather than happiness, it will come as less of a shock?

I am really quite sick of feeling desperate, pathetic, lonely, sad, frustrated, jealous, and angry.

I want natural disasters to stop.

I want puppies again.

I want to look like a snob with the ipad2.

I want more clothes.

I want to go home.

I want my best friends back.

I want to go to another bunny show with Maddie and take more awkward pictures.

I want to see the sun more often.

I want to be me, and not somebody else.

I want to have blue eyes.

I want to be able to go outside in short shorts and a tank top again.

I want my belly button pierced.

I want to go to a concert.

I want to be able to play guitar.

I want to walk down my street again.

I want some bagel bites.

I want to go to the beach.

I want to be able to go outside with no make up on.

I want a striking red dress.

I want to go to CVHS again.

I want to go to prom.

I want to blast ghetto songs in Katie’s car.

I want to see how everyone is doing.

I want to be able to dance and sing.

I want to be included.

I want there to be no her.

I want to talk to him more.

I want him.

…and you know what’s sad? I’m not going to get any of that stuff.

Oh well.

People would stop complaining to me that they have problems

EVERYONE HAS PROBLEMS.

Personally, I think it is selfish to constantly moan about your life.

There are other people in the world whose problems are SO much more serious than yours. 

People in Japan, perhaps?

Yes, so seriously? Grow up.

You don’t see me complaining about my life do you?

No. Because I don’t like to bring people down all the time. 

And it is NOT because I’m ‘constantly happy’ because believe me, I’m not, of course I’m not. I feel everything you do and most likely more. Trust me, hun, my problems are probably ten times worse than yours.

And I’m not complaining.

So bottom line, is suck it up. Tell it to your cats. :)

I have no idea what you do, but it has such a great effect on me.

You can treat me horribly, and I will still smile at the thought of you.

You can ignore me, and I will just wait for you to talk to me when you are ready to.

You can just use me and I will still be right there any time you want something.

You can never think about me, ever, but I will still donate my thoughts to you.

You can break it, but my heart will still go mad when you talk to me.

It’s insane. 

You make me feel so many things at once: nervous, anxious, angry, frustrated, happy, confused, sad. Is it even possible to be happy and sad?

When I think of you I usually trip over or drop whatever I’m holding or dither around until I remember what I’m supposed to be doing.

And really, only you can have that effect on me. My brain just turns to mush. 

Now tell me, do you have that effect on her?

Can’t we just take her out of the picture? I mean seriously, she lifts right out! And that way I don’t have to feel guilty about everything. I can just message you freely and when I want to, and I won’t have to wander around for an hour debating if I should or not. I wont have to stay up all night thinking about if you will be too busy with her to answer me. You can just be you and I can be just me. And you won’t belong to anybody and neither will I. And we can just hang out even if it’s just as friends; I don’t care as long as we can just talk with no her involved.

But whatever. I get it. I’m being silly right? You care about her obviously, and not about me. And I don’t think that will ever change.

So I’ll just smile at the thought of you while you treat me horribly. I’ll just wait for you to talk to me when you’re ready to. I’ll just expect to be used again when you want something. I’ll just give my every thought to you, even though you won’t spare me even one. And I’ll let my heart go crazy when I think of you even though you’re whose breaking it.

I mean it. I am sick of all this ‘self loathing’ crap. It does no good. It only hurts. And we all do it. Why is it that when we look in the mirror, we only see our flaws? Why can’t we see the us everybody else sees?

The phrase ‘No one is perfect’ is such a lie.

Everyone is perfect. If you were any closer to the image of yourself that you imagine, it would make you imperfect. If you looked like a super model you would be imperfect. It would be wrong. You would not be you. You already are, a perfect version of you. 

Sure, we all have flaws, but that is what makes us perfect. If we did not have flaws, we would be basically identical, bland robots. 

So please, don’t you hurt yourself because you believe that you are too ugly or too fat or too thin because

you are perfect to me :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kkshHySfRD8

Please don’t forget me.

I know I live far, far away.

And I know you will only see me once a year.

And I know I can only talk to you over the computer.

And I know that I am behind on everything and I misinterpret things.

And I know I hardly know any of your new best friends.

And I know I am not there to be included in things.

But to even think about being forgotten makes the huge hole in my chest burn.

Because I think about everyone over there every second of the day.

And I think about how I should have never caved in. 

And I think about how everything has changed.

And I think about how I wish things never did change.

And I think about all our memories.

And I think about how I wish I was there to make more memories with you.

And I think about how glad I am that you are happy.

And I think about how I wish I was there to be happy too.

Bottom line is:

You don’t forget me, like I could never forget you.

You keep caring, like I will always care about you.

You miss me, like I will always miss you.

And you wait for me to get back, like I am counting down the days until I can.

1. I want to kiss him in the rain.
2. I want to look at the stars with him on a hot summer night.
3. I want to hold hands with him and walk down the beach.
4. I want him to hug me and spin me around in his arms.
5. I want to walk down the staircase in my prettiest dress and have him waiting for me on the bottom step.
6. I want him to push the hair out of my face and tell me that he loves me.
7. I want to watch the sunset with him.
8. I want him to see me at my worst and still think I am beautiful.
9. I want him to call me his ‘Juliet.’
10. I want him to write me a love song.

I want a Movie Moment.

And I want one with Him.

Too bad he is too busy having Movie Moments with her.

“Change is good.”

Probably, the most incorrect sentence I have ever heard.

People obviously do not know what change means. Shall I explain?

• Change means goodbyes
• Change means tears
• Change means the end of an era
• Change means leaving people behind

So, I suggest that when you have the decision to make things change

Don’t do it.

Because you will never know what you have, until its gone. 

Maddie hall is amazing :) <3

I loveeeeeee herrrr oodles :)

ask her to do a hair flip, you wont regret it ;)